a year
12:17 AM. I was hungry, so I made myself some food.
If you're wondering what the heck this post is about, I'd tell you that I don't know...because I don't know where I'm really going with this. See...I drank coffee a little too late, and I'm sort of wide awake. When I'm caffeinated at this time, I become extremely anxious for all the tomorrows to come. So...I decided to write all of my worries away by just simply writing with the hopes of ending up with something decent. There's no goal or anything...just doin' me and going with the flow of things.
For anyone that actually takes the time to read my blog and whatever I actually post, I just need to say that you are awesome. I'll be completely honest with everyone right now. I always took pride in getting great grades in essays in almost all of my classes. Writing was something that I just learned to understand. It even helped me, throughout the years, to help me discover a "me" that I never knew existed in the past. Ever since I started advanced writing courses in college, I'll admit that I began to tell myself I was trash at writing. Like...wow....there were a lot of passionate English majors I met who've written some pretty amazing stuff. And, being the doubtful one of himself, I compared myself to them. The passion I lacked only helped regress in my creativity...at least I think so. What I'm trying to say is...I think I suck compared to so many writers out there. What can I possibly contribute to the world of short essays, short stories, poetry, and blogs?
That's when I decided to say, "Screw it...I'ma do me..." And, so I did me.
It's tough feeling like you're least talented in your class. Your ideas, creations, intentions, and motivation just seem...lackluster. My identity as a writer was kind of put on the line...I had no idea what I wanted to with my blog and poetry. Everything seemed to be so centered on me: my aspirations, my issues, my thoughts, and my reflection. What is it that I truly want to express through the words I lay down on paper? I really did a lot of questioning, and a lot of prayer to find answers to those questions. Because when all the questioning was over, it all came down to who was I going to be after a year. I'm glad I took a serious break writing on my blog. For about the past year, I can say with genuinity that I am full of joy. Even if I got rejected by every J. Crew on the face of the earth (yeah...I really wanted to work there), I can confidently say that I am joyful. If there's something that kept me busy, it's youth ministry. I wasn't lost as a writer...I was a servant of God who didn't have a place to fully pour my heart into. What I hated about being a full-time college student with a part-time job was that I felt seemingly too busy for anything church-related. It was a great feeling to know that I was getting a lot done, but I was completely missing out on what I could do for Christ. So, at the start of November 2015, I made a return as youth leader for Ichthus (the name of our church's youth ministry).
It's been an up and down ride for me in youth ministry. I would be lying if I said I didn't try to do things my way...because I did. I tried it my way and fell short. Thankfully, God blessed us with a friend who just happened to be our youth pastor. As much as we make fun of that dude, I know we all love that guy so much. He's rebuked me and told me that I was wrong in doing a lot things. Basically, he told me, "Dude, just chill!" My pride was getting in the way of my heart. The students of youth group weren't getting the love that Christ pours onto me. So, if any of you kids decided to read my blog out of curiosity, I wana say sorry for times that I've wronged you. I can be very pushy if I'm tested, but I can be very caring at the same time. Sorry, if I made you feel discouraged rather than feel loved. So...sorry...love, Kuya JP.
As for my writing? I think I finally started to understand myself after a year of a lot of short-comings, insane laughs, and adventurous days outdoors. My mind, filled with a ton of things I could blog about or even scratch a quick poem, became seemed to have found some peace. I found a place where I could serve God with all of my heart, and also found a safe-haven in Him. The whole "identity as a writer" and "my ideas are lackluster" thing was just a smaller version of the true issue I had in my life: I was living life as if I had to make up for something in the past.
Since God just loves me so much (and you, too), He's taught me something extremely serious. I shouldn't care about the past, anymore. Everyday, I felt like I had something to prove, like I needed to completely impress people. I wanted to shed a stained image I thought I had of myself, and everything I did was just a failing attempt. There were days I wanted to move to another state just to have a fresh start and make a new name for myself. I thought that I was someone whose accomplishments couldn't earn anything substantially sentimental. You see...it wasn't just questioning who I was or what I could be as a writer. It was a matter of what I could do to be someone.
The truth of the matter is that I was completely blinded by what thought I had to do. Rather than looking to a God of unconditional love, I tried to find as many things to do to create a versions of myself that people would be a little bit proud of. And that's where I went wrong. Shout out to my older cousin, Kuya AJ. You really hit the bullseye at youth camp with your sermons. God really tugged at a lot of things in my heart in those four days. What did I learn?
Living in the past was ruining the potential of what I could be for Christ. I was living for me. However, that lifestyle finally ended. All of the voices in my head that were telling me I was never to bounce back from the mistakes I made, that I was never going to earn anything rewarding in my life, and that I was supposed to shed an image were all silent. All the thoughts about the past, finally came to an end. Christ didn't give His life for me for no reason. This was a big part of The Gospel that I was missing out on from living in the past. I finally got my first true taste of redemption. My head turned a complete 180 degrees. Then, what I wanted for myself became plain and simple: I'ma do me. I stopped getting so butthurt to all the unnecessary criticism, the "soft" jokes (because those really ticked me off), and all of the negative thoughts I had about myself. What Christ revealed to me was that living in the past was living for myself. If I truly wanted to serve Him with all of my heart (especially in Ichthus), I had to make that change in my heart and live for Him. The Gospel finally became clearer to my eyes.
You see...just around this time last year I was hungry. I was looking for something substantial that would fill me. When you're sort of last as a person and you want to do things you're way, you may not survive for that long. Yearning for something that could fulfill the emptiness I had in my life, I turned to people (sadly, I always do) to feed me. With all the things that have happened to me over the past twelve months, God provided something substantial for me that could fill me up.
It's now 2:03 AM. I was hungry, so God gave me something and made me full.
If you're wondering what the heck this post is about, I'd tell you that I don't know...because I don't know where I'm really going with this. See...I drank coffee a little too late, and I'm sort of wide awake. When I'm caffeinated at this time, I become extremely anxious for all the tomorrows to come. So...I decided to write all of my worries away by just simply writing with the hopes of ending up with something decent. There's no goal or anything...just doin' me and going with the flow of things.
For anyone that actually takes the time to read my blog and whatever I actually post, I just need to say that you are awesome. I'll be completely honest with everyone right now. I always took pride in getting great grades in essays in almost all of my classes. Writing was something that I just learned to understand. It even helped me, throughout the years, to help me discover a "me" that I never knew existed in the past. Ever since I started advanced writing courses in college, I'll admit that I began to tell myself I was trash at writing. Like...wow....there were a lot of passionate English majors I met who've written some pretty amazing stuff. And, being the doubtful one of himself, I compared myself to them. The passion I lacked only helped regress in my creativity...at least I think so. What I'm trying to say is...I think I suck compared to so many writers out there. What can I possibly contribute to the world of short essays, short stories, poetry, and blogs?
That's when I decided to say, "Screw it...I'ma do me..." And, so I did me.
It's tough feeling like you're least talented in your class. Your ideas, creations, intentions, and motivation just seem...lackluster. My identity as a writer was kind of put on the line...I had no idea what I wanted to with my blog and poetry. Everything seemed to be so centered on me: my aspirations, my issues, my thoughts, and my reflection. What is it that I truly want to express through the words I lay down on paper? I really did a lot of questioning, and a lot of prayer to find answers to those questions. Because when all the questioning was over, it all came down to who was I going to be after a year. I'm glad I took a serious break writing on my blog. For about the past year, I can say with genuinity that I am full of joy. Even if I got rejected by every J. Crew on the face of the earth (yeah...I really wanted to work there), I can confidently say that I am joyful. If there's something that kept me busy, it's youth ministry. I wasn't lost as a writer...I was a servant of God who didn't have a place to fully pour my heart into. What I hated about being a full-time college student with a part-time job was that I felt seemingly too busy for anything church-related. It was a great feeling to know that I was getting a lot done, but I was completely missing out on what I could do for Christ. So, at the start of November 2015, I made a return as youth leader for Ichthus (the name of our church's youth ministry).
It's been an up and down ride for me in youth ministry. I would be lying if I said I didn't try to do things my way...because I did. I tried it my way and fell short. Thankfully, God blessed us with a friend who just happened to be our youth pastor. As much as we make fun of that dude, I know we all love that guy so much. He's rebuked me and told me that I was wrong in doing a lot things. Basically, he told me, "Dude, just chill!" My pride was getting in the way of my heart. The students of youth group weren't getting the love that Christ pours onto me. So, if any of you kids decided to read my blog out of curiosity, I wana say sorry for times that I've wronged you. I can be very pushy if I'm tested, but I can be very caring at the same time. Sorry, if I made you feel discouraged rather than feel loved. So...sorry...love, Kuya JP.
As for my writing? I think I finally started to understand myself after a year of a lot of short-comings, insane laughs, and adventurous days outdoors. My mind, filled with a ton of things I could blog about or even scratch a quick poem, became seemed to have found some peace. I found a place where I could serve God with all of my heart, and also found a safe-haven in Him. The whole "identity as a writer" and "my ideas are lackluster" thing was just a smaller version of the true issue I had in my life: I was living life as if I had to make up for something in the past.
Since God just loves me so much (and you, too), He's taught me something extremely serious. I shouldn't care about the past, anymore. Everyday, I felt like I had something to prove, like I needed to completely impress people. I wanted to shed a stained image I thought I had of myself, and everything I did was just a failing attempt. There were days I wanted to move to another state just to have a fresh start and make a new name for myself. I thought that I was someone whose accomplishments couldn't earn anything substantially sentimental. You see...it wasn't just questioning who I was or what I could be as a writer. It was a matter of what I could do to be someone.
The truth of the matter is that I was completely blinded by what thought I had to do. Rather than looking to a God of unconditional love, I tried to find as many things to do to create a versions of myself that people would be a little bit proud of. And that's where I went wrong. Shout out to my older cousin, Kuya AJ. You really hit the bullseye at youth camp with your sermons. God really tugged at a lot of things in my heart in those four days. What did I learn?
Living in the past was ruining the potential of what I could be for Christ. I was living for me. However, that lifestyle finally ended. All of the voices in my head that were telling me I was never to bounce back from the mistakes I made, that I was never going to earn anything rewarding in my life, and that I was supposed to shed an image were all silent. All the thoughts about the past, finally came to an end. Christ didn't give His life for me for no reason. This was a big part of The Gospel that I was missing out on from living in the past. I finally got my first true taste of redemption. My head turned a complete 180 degrees. Then, what I wanted for myself became plain and simple: I'ma do me. I stopped getting so butthurt to all the unnecessary criticism, the "soft" jokes (because those really ticked me off), and all of the negative thoughts I had about myself. What Christ revealed to me was that living in the past was living for myself. If I truly wanted to serve Him with all of my heart (especially in Ichthus), I had to make that change in my heart and live for Him. The Gospel finally became clearer to my eyes.
You see...just around this time last year I was hungry. I was looking for something substantial that would fill me. When you're sort of last as a person and you want to do things you're way, you may not survive for that long. Yearning for something that could fulfill the emptiness I had in my life, I turned to people (sadly, I always do) to feed me. With all the things that have happened to me over the past twelve months, God provided something substantial for me that could fill me up.
It's now 2:03 AM. I was hungry, so God gave me something and made me full.
Comments
Post a Comment